Mad as Hell
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Red-alert ready Don't get hooked Who's a hot head? Get it off your chest Five steps to serenity How do you channel your anger? << back to Work/Life Balance << back to ANF Women's Forum |
Who’s a hothead? Here’s a paradox: when some women get furious, instead of sounding off, they clam up. This is called “outrage deficiency”. Dr Sandra Thomas, a leading anger researcher at the University of Tennessee, says she seldom encounters women who are “the stereotypical hot reactors, flying off the handle at every slight. Most have absorbed a lot of messages about not being a bitch, not making waves.” We sit on our rage, letting it build up like the steam in a coffee machine until, inevitably, we let rip over some minor infraction… Or we cry. Women learn early to stifle strong emotions, but repressing our anger doesn’t make it go away. It may just morph into tears. In one of Dr Thomas’s classes, a frazzled mother shared her first goal: on the two days a week she needed to be at her office by 8am, she wanted her husband to drop off the kids at day care. “You would not believe how much she had to practise saying this to her husband in a steady, unwavering voice,” Dr Thomas says. The result? “He said, ‘OK.’ Just like that. He had no idea how tight her schedule was or how angry she was at him for not helping out.” Which also goes to show that the one anger strategy that’s always doomed to fail is seething in silence. We’d like to believe that our best friend can read our mind, or at least our mood. But frankly, the waitress at your local cafe is more likely to notice when you’re miffed. In a 2005 study, researchers at the University of Virginia showed volunteers a silent videotape of either a close friend or an acquaintance describing an incident that had made her mad. Participants were more likely to notice that their acquaintances were angry than that their friends were. Why? The researchers speculated that we might want to see only the best in those we love. Which is nice, but still maddening. To channel your anger in a positive direction, you need to gain what Dr Stabb calls “anger consciousness”. Learn to recognise the signs – an urge to hurl your drink across the room – that you’re about to lash out or fall apart. Then (put the wine glass down) reflect. Are you really angry with your friend for making fun of your book club idea? Or is it that for the past five years she’s been undermining your confidence with passive aggressive put-downs? When you pay attention to your anger, you learn when you need to make an exit (leave the job) and when you need to make an adjustment (leave the laptop in the office on weekends). For Maria, a 36-year-old magazine editor, blow-ups were a constant in her last relationship. She’d find out he hadn’t paid the gas bill, write the cheque herself – then wave it in front of him and sputter, “Why do I always have to take care of everything?!” After three years, the relationship ended with slammed doors and four-letter words. What caused that final fight? She doesn’t remember. “The fights were never about the situation at hand,” says Maria, two years and countless therapy sessions later. “They were about fear and self-reproach. Why did I keep picking guys I had to help support?” Now in a far less combative relationship, Maria steps back when she feels herself getting heated and asks, “Am I being unreasonable?” When her man suggests pizza, she catches herself before launching into a “pizza is white-flour poison” rant. Then she says “sure” – and orders hers topped with spinach. |